Aging Drunks

Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar.
The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.”
“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So,” says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, “Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds,”It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she’ll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes,she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word…’comfortable’.”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slowly…out loud… (“com-for-da-bul”).”

New Watch

A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” she asks. “Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear.”
The man explains, “Damn, this thing must be an hour fast.”

The Blonde’s View On Roe Vs. Wade

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi very seriously pondered the question and finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

Stumbling Down

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You are obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.”

Blind Man & The Blondes

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair – giving that you are blind – that you should know five things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Drunken Fight

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm rips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, “What the heck is going on?” The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

Three Broads Having Lunch

bA blond, a brunette and a redhead are sitting down for lunch one afternoon. The redhead says to the others, “I found cigarettes in my daughters room! I can’t believe she’s a smoker!. The brunette says “That’s nothing. The other day I found beer in my daughters room. I can’t believe she’s a drinker!.
The blonde looks at the other two and says, “Well you two are lucky. Just yesterday I found condoms in my daughters room. I never even knew she had a penis!”

Accident At The Brewery

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Brenda, your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda,… He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned,”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda…no.”
“No?”
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

The Blonde Cop

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and asked the veteran blonde officer, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?”
The blonde sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

A Drunk With Three Darts

There was this drunk that walked into a bar and sat down. To his right were three darts. The drunk said to the bartender. “(hickup) What are these darts for?”
The bartender replied, “Well you see, if anybody can get three bullseyes in a row, they win a prize. The drunk picks up a dart and being very unstable, he throws the first dart and falls off the stool. When he picks himself up, he sees he made a bullseye.
The bartender says, “Oh that was a lucky throw.” So the drunk picks up the second dart and being very unstable, he throws the dart and falls off the stool again. After picking himself up, he saw that he made another bullseye.
The bartender is very shaken because no one has ever made three bullseyes in a row. So the drunk picks up the third dart and being very unstable, throws the dart and falls off the stool again.
After picking himself up, he saw that he made the third bullseye and said, “Give me my prize. I won!” Well, since no one has ever made three in a row, the bartender didn’t really know what to give to the drunk. He looked around and saw that there was a large turtle in the fish tank — he picked it up and gave it to the drunk.
About three weeks later the same drunk walked into the same bar and sat down on the same stool and told the bartender, “(hickup) Hey, I want to play that dart game again.” The bartender said, “Oh, so you really think it wasn’t luck the first time.” The drunk said, “Luck huh, I’ll show you luck and picked up the first dart.”
Being very unstable, he threw the dart and fell off the stool on to the floor. After picking himself up, he saw that he had made a bullseye. The bartender is shaken and thinks, is this guy lucky or am I just stupid. So the drunk picks up the second dart and being very unstable, he throws it and falls off the stool onto the floor.
After picking himself up, he saw that he made another bullseye. Now the bartender is really shaken because this guy is the only one that has ever made three in a row and just in case he does make the third he needs to start looking for something to give to him. The drunk picks up the third dart and being very unstable, throws it and falls off the stool. After picking himself up off the floor he saw that he made another bullseye and said to the bartender, “Give me my prize give me my prize, I won.”
Well the bartender really forgot what he gave the drunk the last time and didn’t want to seem stupid in front of his friends so he said to the drunk, “Look I forgot what I gave you the last time you were in here and I don’t want to give you the same thing, can you kind of help me out and tell me what it was.”
The drunk replied, “(Hiccup) A roast beef sandwich on a VERY hard roll.”

New Hire Painters

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde. “You haven’t been painting as much road as you did on the first day,” the manager said. “What’s the problem?” “I’d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!”

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

sardar

	A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl. Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday. Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ?? Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Santa Banta

Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.

Bhol V janda Aey

Ho nhi sakta k mujay teri yaad na aye,
bhool k bhi bhulaon wo waqt na aye,
Tum bhulo to tumhen agli sans na aye
Me bhoolun
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Chal koi gal nai Banda bhool bhi jata hai…;)

Faraz

Hamari qismat ka ye pehlu to zara dekho
“Faraz”
jab humne usey kaha:
“I LOVE U”
wo boli
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Ada mekoon angraizi kainy andee.:-

China Ka Bakra Yaa Kutta

Ab tu dyniya waalon pe bilkul bharosa nhi karna FARAZ…
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Ek bewafa ny hum ko China ka bakra keh k Kutta baich daya..!!
(__) MADE IN
[','/_:"";____
\ C H I N A )\
]/”]/””]/”]/! .,,

Zamanay k darr se Uski tasveer Toilet mein laga rakhi hai

Zamanay k darr se Uski tasveer Toilet mein laga rakhi hai…… Faraz
Wah wah wah
Deedar-e-yar ho bar bar,
Is liye motion ki Goli kha rkhi hai…!

Funny Non Veg Poetry

Jidhar Bhi Dheko Yaroo Ishq Kay Bemar Bhete Hain
Hazaroon Maar Gaye Lakin Lakho Tiyar  Bhety Hain
Barbad Kartay Hain Khud Ko Larkiyo Kay Pichy Bhag Kar
Phir Khetay Hain Nokri Tu Lagwa Do BerozGar Bhet Hain

Funny Joke on Justin bieber

Once A Man Slappes To The Goat.
Goat Started Crying
‘bey bey bey bey hOo bey bey bey bee’
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‘bey bey bey bey hOo bey bey bey bee’
..
.’bey bey bey bey hOo bey bey bey bee’
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Today that goat iz known as