Aging Drunks

Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar.
The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.”
“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So,” says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, “Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds,”It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she’ll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes,she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word…’comfortable’.”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slowly…out loud… (“com-for-da-bul”).”

New Watch

A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” she asks. “Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear.”
The man explains, “Damn, this thing must be an hour fast.”

The Blonde’s View On Roe Vs. Wade

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi very seriously pondered the question and finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

Stumbling Down

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You are obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.”

Blind Man & The Blondes

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair – giving that you are blind – that you should know five things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Drunken Fight

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm rips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, “What the heck is going on?” The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”